Trying to Get Ahead

20 Sep

Things seem to be getting into a routine again as I head back to work. IF is really a constant battle between moving on and not forgetting. My husband and I are still out of sorts. We are both very supportive if each other but both are in a funk. He dealing with his grief as this time of year comes and also with his mom. I don’t think he has fully grasped her passing yet. With Thanksgiving approaching it might hit him like a ton of bricks. I am struggling too. This weight loss is not happening fast enough for me and the struggle to be where I think I should be is self deprecating.

Other then that life has been pretty much routine since I went back to work. I thought I might be pregnant but I think between my weight loss and the pcos my cycle is pretty messed up.  I hope by the time my birthday comes around at the end of next week I will feel more like myself.

Dark Clouds

2 Sep

So I thought I was doing well but I have had a bit of a bump in the road. I am feeling a little lost. I was feeling really good. My husband booked a surprise weekend getaway and I was super excited. He decided that we needed it and decided that I deserved it. At first, it seemed all well but as we got further in to the weekend I felt like we weren’t connecting. In fact it felt like there was a bit of rift between us. At first I was following my diet then I gave in and splurged. When I got home and weighted myself I felt horrible. I decided to go hard core this week and get back on track and lose the weight I gained on the weekend. I cancelled my weigh in this week. I have been focusing on getting ready and going back to work. I am struggling and feeling adrift. My husband is putting in 14 hour days and I feel the rift is getting bigger. Today I decided to change purses for work and was in the middle of transferring things to the other purse when I stumbled across it…the medical report from last year stating I was pregnant and my beta was doubling. August last year I was happy and nervous. Around this time I also got the news I might be miscarrying and had to explain to my principal the situation.

I have to admit I started crying. I want to crawl back to bed. I thought that I was beyond this; I felt better and was concentrating on me. Is this why my husband so distant recently? I knew that this time of year was coming up in the back of my head. Is he struggling? I don’t even know where to begin to have this conversation with him. I have been so filled with anxiety and endless thoughts that I only got three hours of sleep last night.

I am going to take some time for me on Friday after school. I have decided to get a pedi and hopefully this weekend when my husband and I head up to the trailer we can have a conversation and reconnect. I think I need to book another threapist appointment. I wish sometimes I was stronger.

Summer of Me Continues

21 Aug

Well my diet is still continuing in phase one. The doctors are pleased with my weight loss progress. I have lost 13lbs starting week 4 of the diet. I unfortunately have been having some weird side effects. I have woken up in the middle of the night with a racing heart and almost fainted. They determined that I need more iodine in my diet. It was suggested a bit more salt. I don’t feel any different but the racing heart has woken me up quite a bit and I also get anxious. I am hoping that a bit more salt in my diet will help. At times I feel like I am not making headway the scale at home says that I have gained weight that I lost. I don’t feel much different. Sigh….I really want this to work.

I also got my second tattoo on my right shoulder. It is three birds for my three angel babies with the words “now always forever.”

image

I love it. So does my husband. Otherwise I have been focusing on my diet. I think I am finally starting to put all things behind me. I am moving forward but not forgetting. I finally feel I have a voice and shedding light on my feelings.

Shared from WordPress

8 Aug

So true…hit the nail on the head.

10 Things I Want Other Women to Know About Infertility – http://wp.me/p47nLL-77M

New Focus

8 Aug

Well I and almost 2 weeks into my diet and it isn’t so bad. This PCOS shock the doctors call it means no dairy, carbs or starches, or fruits. It shocks your systems to bring your hormone levels down and focuses on burning fats by eating protein and vegetables. You can have treats but only approved ones and you count your carbs.  So after week one down 6 pounds and all of it fat. Smiley face. The hard part….headaches, anxiety and feeling tired seem to be over. Fingers crossed. I hope I am done this first stage by the end of September for my birthday. It is a little had to go out and eat at a restraunt on this first stage. The one thing that I actually miss and could taste as I watched people eat it…..chips and pizza.

The other thing that I did for me was I went for a laser hair removal consultation. It is quite a bit of money and it will not remove all my hair but it will reduce it significantly. 

My husband and I started discussing adoption. We are thinking about starting the process but are trying to figure out the direction to go. I am hoping we can figure things out very soon.

We recently had our neice and nephew over and spent some time with them. Well this is where I am at….one day at a time.

New Journey

30 Jul

Well I recent saw my new endo and he sent me to a metabolic clinic and I met with a dietician and nutritionist.  I get the results on my testing from the endo in two weeks.  At the metabolic clinic, I got my new diet (counting carbs) and it is pretty strict.  I started the beginning of this week and I already have lost 3 pounds.  I am pretty sure that it is water weight.  It is the first stage where they cut back certain food groups and limit the carb intake.  I am feeling pretty crappy.  Sluggish, tired, in a mental fog, tummy issues, insomnia, a bit of anxiety and headaches.  All which I pretty much expected.  The doctors are pretty sure that this will help me lose weight and get all my hormone levels into normal ranges, even though I am still on metformin and pregvit.  I am not exercising yet because of the way I am feeling but they want me to start off slow.  I am hoping next week I feel up to walking.

As for me and the feeling of pregnancy, well I have moments the odd time but for the most part I feel for the first time at peace.  Peace with myself and this path.  I don’t know what has caused this but I think it might be a series of things.  I think that my therapist sessions, new tattoo, seeing the endo and I did the unthinkable I met with a psychic (for fun).  All these things have me find that balance within myself and planted a little seed of hope.  I embrace my pain…the psychic said something profound: “the obstacles in life are there to teach you, make you stronger and make you appreciate what you have and your goals.” For the first time I really took this to heart (even though I have heard some form of this before).  So, I surrendered and for the first time in a long time I felt genuinely happy. We have had one hiccup with an issue with the house but not a lot of negativity or stress…crap happens.  It was funny because my husband looked at me and said the only reason we can get through this is because we have each other.  I told him we are a team and our relationship has been tested and tested and we have endured.

Do I have bad days, times, moments, minutes and thoughts?  Of course but I force myself to get over them quickly.  I think of my therapy appointments and the wisdom my therapist gives me, I focus on my betterment with my diet and the goals that I have set, I think of my psychic reading and the positivity it brought me and I look down at my tattoo and think of the next one I am getting at the end of August; all this says, you got this, you need this, you are better than this and you are a survivor. That is what we all are…survivors.  We may not feel like it but you are some of the strongest women I am proud to know.  Your amazing and I hope that someday you find that peace and set on your new journey.

The Aftermath

16 Jul

Well it is the day after my appointment with the Endo and a lot has happened since then. The endo made me feel comfortable and it was a productive appointment. He is taking a multifaceted  path to treating the PCOS. I finished a whole range of tests. He is checking everything and he is also sending me to a metabolic clinic and dietician. He has made no guarantees that I will have a baby or lose weight but he did say that we will get my health on track. So, now comes that big step…..I will talk to my husband about adoption; if the time is right. I will have to come to peace with pregnancy. If it happens then it happens – let things happen where it may.

In the mean time….I did it. I got my tattoo. I got three arrows (meaning no matter the obstacles an arrows path is forward) on my inner arm just below my elbow and I got my next one set up.  I am going to get three swallows on my shoulder for my three angel babies. I have gotten at of negative feedback regarding my first tattoo; everything ranging from that I am a good girl, too old and a teacher. My response is that I am doing this for me, I have put a lot of thought into it and a tattoo is something that is always with you…all the way to the grave.

Anyways now to find the right time to discuss adoption.